howlingplayground | AU End Game

AU End Game

Gone.

Steve, Vision, Wanda, T'Challa, Scott, Sam... all gone. It creates an ache in his chest even two years on. The damned racoon lost so many other people too. Thor has fucked off to places unknown. They could track him down, but Bucky always has a feeling that he needs left alone, more than anyone.

Tony has a new baby girl. Morgan. They don't bother him. He'd made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with any of them now. He has his life, and that's enough. Still, Bucky had gone to see the baby and leave a gift, when they were at the hospital. He'd said nothing to anyone. Tony had been down getting a coffee, Pepper had been asleep. He'd just left his little gift, without a name on it and gone.

Rhodey is off, trying to keep the country together, even though everyone is still panicking.

It's just him... and her. She's taken this worse than any of them. Even with the expansion of their little family to include a racoon, Okoye, and Carol, it doesn't fill the ache of all of the others being gone.

They don't know where Clint is, though it wouldn't be hard to find him. They have a lot of information at their fingertips. Just not enough to bring people back.

She's not herself, and he's not himself. He knows that. Their little family, formed in fire, is wrecked, all because of a bastard who decided he knew better.

He stops in the doorway, looking at her. He's carrying actual food in his hands. Not take out, not her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that she makes then abandons.

"Hey." He says, softly. "You should eat." He knows that trying to force her to do anything is not the way to approach her. She's skittish, and that makes it hard. But, he's not going to abandon her. There's too much at stake.

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To say it had been rough was an understatement. She'd never been a commander. Sure, she'd taken charge of missions and helped Steve run the Avengers but this... The weight of the galaxy was on her shoulders. Organizing and coordinating who was left, monitoring and planning... It had all fallen to her and she didn't want it.

But she wouldn't abandon them. Not like Tony, Thor, and even Bruce had done. She wouldn't begrudge Tony his family. It's what they'd wanted and he was the only one who seemed to be doing well in this new world. She'd visited him once or twice... Until he asked her to stay away. He wanted to separate himself from his old life and she respected that.

That left everyone scattered around the galaxy... And Bucky. He was just as scared and scattered as she was, even if he wouldn't admit it. Hell, she didn't even admit it. But having him there keeps her grounded. It's something familiar in the middle of all the chaos. That's what she desperately needs.

She'd been staring blankly at one of the computer screens when he enters. One of the 24 hour news channels was playing, showing updates on various gang fights and conflicts. She wasn't really watching, though. Her mind was miles away, thinking about their old lives and the people she missed. What would Nick Fury do if he were in her situation... For once, she didn't know.

The voice shakes her out of her thoughts. Her eyes focus and she frowns at the burning humvee on the screen. Sighing, she waves a hand and turns it off. Pulling her feet off the desk, she turns to look at him.

"What time is it?"

He doesn't begrudge anyone finding their way through this unholy mess. Half of the universe's population had disappeared in an instant, and that's... that's not something anyone takes easily. They'd all lost, all been destroyed in ways that none of them are processing. The violence on the TV doesn't surprise him, humans don't take well to drastic change.

He's taken to talking to soldiers, and emergency services men and women, trying to help them reconnect with the life they'd once had. But it is hard. It's harder than coming out of what HYDRA had done to his mind. It's harder than dealing with Zemo. It's... it's beyond hard in the grand scheme of things.

He'd asked Carol how she left everything behind and just went to the stars. She'd explained it to him and he still didn't understand.

The grace is still there. The lethality and beauty that is Natalia. He knows that she hasn't been actively training. Neither of them have. And maybe they should. He can give her a run for her money. He knows that. Even if he's getting flabby. "Seven." He answers. "C'mon. Table, food. It'll do us both good."

She'd trained pretty hard shortly after the snap. It had been equal parts distraction and hope for revenge. When the hope faded, so did her desire to train.

"Seven? Shit..."

Time seemed to slip by so quickly these days. She feels like she just got up, where had the day gone? She was about to argue that she wasn't hungry, but her stomach chose that moment to growl and made that argument invalid. She sighed, pushing her two-tone hair over her shoulder.

"Alright, alright. Sure."

She gave him a tired smile as she stood up, stretching out limbs stiff from sitting for so long.

"What are we eating?"

"Chicken stroganoff." He says, jerking his head at the bar where they can sit together. "Over egg noodles, with shitake mushrooms and carrots." Look, he hasn't been able to do anything, so learning to cook? Just something that makes sense. Besides, it means he can go help out at the veteran's shelter more.

He sets her plate down, and fetches them both a beer. She's eating, she can have it. It's the drinking without eating he'll argue against. He settles next to her, and makes sure she starts eating. Tomorrow, he has a plan. A plan to at least help her some, before he goes into the city. "Thank Sarah at the shelter. She gave me the recipe." He explains. He'd added a few things to it, of course.

"Want to spar tomorrow?" He asks, casually. He's hoping she says yes. He needs the routine, she needs the routine.

She follows him, eyebrows raising in surprise. "Chicken stroganoff? I didn't know you could cook."

Or that he'd been learning... She kicks herself for not noticing. She was supposed to be better than this. Everything has made her soft, apparently. She was supposed to be better than this. Sighing, she shakes her head as she sits down at the bar.

"I'm sorry. I haven't been the best company lately."

And he's taken good care of her regardless. If he wasn't there she probably would have just sat around and felt sorry for herself, eating peanut butter sandwiches when she had to. This is better. Definitely. She pokes at her food for a moment before spearing a piece of chicken and beginning to eat.

His question takes her by surprise. She looks up at him curiously. Part of her wants to question it but she knows it's a good idea. They can't let themselves go too far, just in case things change again. Finally, she nods.

"Sure. That's a good idea."

He pushes the food around his plate. It's not bad. Should probably not have experimented with the seasonings so much, though. But whatever. It's still good.

"I learned a little, before the war. Not much, but a little. Then, when I was on the run. Couldn't just pop down to McD's or anything." He didn't dare allow himself to be in public that long. Going to the market was dangerous enough. Just look at the trouble that had gotten him into. "Now, working at the shelter, Sarah's been teaching me more." He shrugs. His efforts are still rudimentary, but they're filling. And they're better than the stale peanut butter and jelly she usually ends up eating.

She agrees to the sparring and something in Bucky's chest unknots. She's still Natalia. She'll be better with routine. Getting her up early, and then working with her will be good for both of them. It may not make the time pass any quicker, but it'll be something.

Edited 2020-02-06 18:01 (UTC)

She nodded as he talked. It was nice. Having an actual conversation that didn't involve conflict or politics. It felt... Normal. The food was good. Better than the processed crap she'd been eating.

"Good point." She paused before giving him a small smile. "Sarah, huh?" Her eyes sparkled with humor. She couldn't help but tease him in much the way she used to tease Steve. "I'm glad you're getting out and doing things. Working with people. It's good."

She... Couldn't. When she left the compound she always felt the stares of everyone who knew who she was. Knew she'd failed them.

He nudges her with an elbow. "Sarah's wife is the cook, she just brings me recipes." He says, finishing his plate. There's more if she wants it, but he'll wait for her. Better she have it. He at least eats pretty decent on the regular. She... does not.

Bucky sighs. "You'd be more than welcome, down at the shelter. It's pretty anonymous." He knows that she doesn't want stares. "Except for the flirting that would go on. But I think you can handle a few vets." He makes a point of leaning back and inspecting her. "Maybe." He finally settles on.

Still, all teasing aside, he's going to kidnap her out of here, if she doesn't start... trying. He's lost Steve, again, he's lost Okoye and Shuri and so many friends, that it's almost like being the Winter Soldier again. But she's here. And so is he. And there's nothing wrong with finding comfort in each other. He's not saying she go start taking jobs, but a trip to the mall, a trip to get a haircut... something.

Ah so not teasing material. Fair enough. At least some people still had their significant others. That was good.

She picks at her food, eating slowly. He's right that she hasn't been eating much. She's never been prone to depression but this... The weight of everything just presses on her and makes it hard for her to do anything.

His own teasing gets a small chuckle from her. She looks up at him with a smirk.

"You don't think I could handle them? They must be stronger than you, then."

Bur the smirk falters and her gaze returns to her food.

"I don't know if I can be anonymous anymore..."

Nope, they are having this talk. Now. Because well, he needs her to get her head outta her ass and be her again. "Stronger than me? No. Stronger than you? Well, I think that's a given." Maybe if he makes her mad. It's worth a shot. He's tried, for two years, to give her her space, to let her be. But that hasn't worked.

This is his last ditch effort. This is the end.

He gets up and puts his plate in the sink. He finishes off the beer, and puts that in the recycling and starts divvying up the rest of the food.

Whoa. Her eyes widen in surprised confusion and she turns to stare at him. Her fork freezes in mid air for a good 30 seconds while she processes what he just said. Was he... No... He wasn't implying... Yes... Yes he was.

She sets down her fork and turns to face him.

"What the hell are you trying to say?"

He looks up from loading the dishwasher. "Trying? I was saying." He says mildly. He's glad to see some sort of spark out of her. Something. If she kicks his ass, it'll be well worth it. It's better than this damned apathy that has sunk its claws into her and won't let go.

"They're still trying." He says, closing the half full dishwasher. He'll run it later. "They lost, all of them. Before the snap, after the snap, and they're still trying." He leans on the counter, looking at her in the eyes. "They haven't given up." Which is low. He knows that she still coordinates everyone, knows that she's still in contact with everyone, but she does all that from a single chair. She needs to rejoin life.

His words cut her deeper than the bullets he'd shot her with. Her mouth opens and closes as she struggles to find words. For the first time in a long time she's speechless.

She sinks back against the bar, the feeling of it digging into her back helping draw her back into the moment.

"Given up..." She mutters, clenching her jaw. "You think I've given up? What? Just because I don't go hang out with a bunch of people at support groups?"

She pushes herself to her feet, glaring up at him. "What the hell do you think I've been doing all this time? I'm working. I'm trying to keep the few people we have left together and organized because I'm the only one here who can. That got left to me." She points at herself, her voice tense with anger and all the repressed emotions. "You think I want this? I'm doing this because there isn't. Anyone. Else." Her voice cracks, then, though she tries to hide it.

"You think that's all I do?" He shoots back. "No, I talk to Okoye, to Rhodey. Just because I don't get emails from a raccoon doesn't mean I'm not trying to find things to help." He doesn't walk closer to her, though. "You only think it got left to you. Because you won't reach out and let anyone else help." He keeps his tone mild. But he's hitting her, where it hurts, because he needs a reaction, some emotion out of her.

"You think that you're the only one who can do this? No, it didn't. You stepped up, shut everyone out, and then just... You died, Natalia. And I'm tired of watching you mope around here like this is all your fault!"

She takes a step back as if he had struck her. "I... no, that's not... I'm running the team." She argued, though it sounded weak even to her. "I'm keeping everyone together and... I don't have to explain myself to you." She lashes out, waving a hand and turning as if she was going to storm out of the room.

But she falters, hesitating with one hand on the door frame. "I don't have anything else."

"Natalia, the team needs you whole and healthy, not this ghost persona you've decided is who you are." Bucky knows he's hurting her. He does. And he hates it. He wants to stop her, he wants to grab her and shake her until sense rattles back into her head.

He watches her go and almost curses himself. But she stops. And she utters bullshit that he hasn't seen since before Steve became Captain America.

"Bullshit." He grinds out. "You've chosen to have nothing else. I'm here, Rhodey's around." He tells her, in case she's forgotten. "Tony may have abandoned us, but we're here, Natalia." He finally walks over to her and turns her to face him. "You don't have to do everything yourself. Stop shutting us out."

She lets him turn her, unable to fight the harsh truth he's throwing at her. The pain is clear in her eyes as she looks up at him. What was the point in hiding it?

He's right. She knows he is. She's being stupid and letting the shit they're in get the better of her. Sighing, she drops her head, giving up.

"You're right... I'm sorry...."

Bucky pulls her into his arms. He wants to just hold her and protect her. He can't do that, but it doesn't stop the wanting. "Natalia." He whispers into her hair. "Just come back to u- me." He whispers in Russian. He needs her to be strong, to be herself. This is not the time to fall apart. They have to pick up the pieces and go on. All of those they lost would want that.

He just holds onto her. There's no reason that she should do this alone. There's others that are willing to help. No, they can't fly around the galaxy like Carol and the raccoon, but they can still help. Right now, it's a lot of paperwork, and just coordination. And someone has to filter the information, which is fine, but she needs to do other things as well.

Her arms wrap round his waist. It's so easy letting herself be held by him. It felt... Right. Safe. She closes her eyes and just lets herself be for the first time since the snap. The others are gone but he's there. She's not alone. And, of all the people to be there, she's grateful it's him.

Her lips curl in a small smile at the change of language. He was always the only one who could get away with calling her Natalia. It feels like their own private language, just for them. She responds in kind, "To you."

He rests his cheek against the top of her head. He needs her to know that she's slowly killing him with this self-destructive behavior. She's not alone and she's been acting like it.

When the communications beep, he stops her from getting it. Whoever it is can wait until tomorrow. "Come out with me." He whispers in accented Russian. "Just to the grounds. You need a chance to get out of this building." And there's no crisis that cannot wait a few hours. It's probably just Rocket with another amusing anecdote, of how he kicked some guy's ass.

Which, they can be funny, but not right now. She needs time away. It can wait.

Her calm was disturbed by the notification that she's started hearing in her sleep. She tenses, ready to pull away and answer it. But his arms tighten around her, keeping her in place.

Shit. He's right. She'd become a slave to the little bits of communication that trickled in.

She nods, waiting until he releases her to step back and look up at him.

"Okay. Let's go."

He slings his arm around her shoulders and leads her outside. The stars still shine, able to be seen out here, away from the city. There are a few clouds in the sky, but on the horizon clouds threaten rain. It probably won't make it to them, but it's something to keep in mind.

There's a gentle breeze but it's chilly, so the clouds might mean snow. It's still early in the season for it, but it could come. His sharp eyes spot movement and he points. "Look." He whispers, gently moving her in front of him and pointing.

Stepping out of the woods surrounding the compound, a pair of does take tentative steps into the open. Their gracefulness is tempered by their caution. There's another noise behind them and they bound across the lawn, disappearing back into the woods. Behind them, a black bear trundles into the lawn.

His arm around her shoulders is a bit of a surprise. But it's a welcome one. Since they'd freed him from the programming they'd become close. Probably closer than Steve liked. That thought gets shoved out of her mind as quickly as it came.

The fresh air is nice, it clears her head and wakes her up a little. Had it really been that long since she went outside? She follows where he points, smiling when she sees the deer and the bear.

"I forgot how beautiful it can be here."

"Nature finds a way." He whispers, not wanting to draw the attention of the bear. He's sure that's probably the male that he's sensed while running through the woods in the morning. "I'd suggest the pond, but it's a little cold for skinny dipping," he teases softly. Besides, there's probably other things down there getting a drink. He's seen fox prints, and even the print of a coyote and rabbit down there.

Gently, he moves around her, letting her watch the bear. "But there's always the indoor pool." Now, he's challenging her. Begging her to let go, to lighten up, to ignore responsibilities for a while, and just be Natalia with him.

Nature finds a way... She'd seen enough proof of that since the snap. Nature encroaching on cities, even the compound. Animals were getting far more bold now that there wasn't as much life on Earth. It was something to watch.

His comment draws her attention away from the beautiful creature. "Skinny dipping?" She looks up at him, raising an amused eyebrow.

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